I’m writing this unsure if I’ll actually send but speaking some of these things out loud or on paper may help displace the agitation. I also realize that ambiguity isn’t helpful to recognizing our parts in situations with others, but rather allows us to take “easy” ways to assume that there is a common understanding when there probably isn’t. Common sense isn’t really common and casual starts rarely have proper ends.
The breakdown in communication for me started after the infamous brunch incident. While initially I thought (or convinced myself) that everything was fine afterwards I definitely sensed a shift that for me was exacerbated during a following conversation where I was described as intense.
Admittedly for me this is where projections or ideas of you or what you were doing integrated into the internal dialogues of my mind.
Though because a direct conversation about this seemed too “intense” I allowed myself to not bring it up or at the very least assumed it would be something that could be discussed after your trip to Nigeria. In thinking about your aversion to confrontation I began to “regression test” previous passive aggressive comments made by you (shoes, gym bags, being dramatic, being too intense for your friends) and wondered if this was the way you were trying to communicate things that made you uncomfortable or didn’t like, but didn’t know how to explicitly discuss. What I kept coming to is that it would be difficult to properly reconcile these ideas or even validate them with you unless I significantly muted myself. Ultimately I told myself to mute the internal dialogues and projections and wait to discuss in person.
Shortly after the brunch incident you seemed more distant then before and where I would previously hear from you via a text or call every day, suddenly that stopped. I had no expectation to hear from you while on your trip but when I did I attributed it to your need to vent to someone not on the trip about the frustrations you were going through. Again I explicitly muted the internal dialogue and decided to address it when we saw each other in person.
I don’t recall knowing when you were getting back in the states, though you probably did tell me. I honestly thought you were going to be back after Christmas and then realized that I must have incorrectly assumed. When I saw that you were back in LA from your IG I was annoyed mainly because social media is not a way that I want to find out such things, but that is just my preference. My assumption was not to reach out because:
You were probably tired from the trip and going right back to work
Normally I hear from you and assumed I would when you had time
Perhaps you were/had ghosted me without me knowing
I was neutral to all possibilities as our relationship (or whatever) wasn’t exclusive or even really defined beyond casual.
As I mentioned before–I don’t align with gay culture and common sense isn’t common. So while, in your mind, the awareness that you had two STIs at some point during a time where we were sexually engaging isn’t something you feel you need to tell me . . . It absolutely fucking is! By not telling me I assume you were making the “easy” assumption that condoms are 100% effective and that sexual transmission is only possible via intercourse, but you know that isn’t true so how do you align to that idea and negate your regard for me? This is even more troubling because of the fact that you found out before leaving for Nigeria and still only told me after I inquired multiple times about why you weren’t feeling well. I honestly don’t know if you were ghosting me before but if you weren’t then these actions finalized it for me.
I’m not a person who cares for apologies because what happens happened and all there is to do is learn what we can from it. When I saw you on Sunday and you asked what I had been doing, all of the previous conversations I had been intending to have with you were gone. Yes–there’s been a lot going on for me lately, but why should I discuss that with you when there are things we should be discussing that we’re not? My part in the circumstances is waiting too long or for the “right” time to bring things up, allowing for a build-up of ideas that aren’t scalable to address all at once. I’m sure there is more for me to uncover and I’m appreciative for what I’ll learn from this experience.